To Health In A Handbasket

I’m all for doctors. To me, there is no more valuable service on this earth than the professional care administered by a qualified practitioner of the medicinal arts. I don’t particularly enjoy going to the doctor (they always lecture me about smoking) however I can’t think of too many things more comforting than the knowledge that an experienced doc is close at hand should I get a treble hook in my eye, shoot myself in the thigh, or get my foot stuck in mouth.

Being from the Missouri Ozarks, I grew up with a lot of “untraditional” home medical practices. We always figured that there was no need to waste the doc’s time if you could fix it yourself – kinda’ the same theory as changing your own oil on the family Chevy. It’s not that tough a job and the pros have more important stuff on their minds.

Nothing is worse than a hypochondriac (unless it’s a sick hypochondriac) and so, like I said, we often doctored ourselves. Bee stings were treated with a baking soda poultice. If you had a sore throat, you got a long Q-Tip and swabbed your throat with merthiolate. Chigger bites? Dry them up with toothpaste (preferably Crest). If you cut yourself, you doused the gash in hydrogen peroxide and connected the escaping folds of skin with duct tape. If you got strains or sprains or bone aches, you just sprayed some WD-40 on the afflicted area.

Many people dislike my usage of WD-40 on creaking joints. A friend of mine just about had a conniption fit when I sprayed a bunch of the stuff on her blown-out knee, but the pain was relieved within forty-five seconds and now she swears by this all-purpose rusty-nut buster/blown-out ACL remedy.

As an aside, WD-40 is also a pretty good scent to spray on nightcrawlers. The catfish seem to love it, and as an added benefit they don’t squeak when you cut into them.

So, I’m all for docs. What I’m against is socialized style medicine ala El Presidente Obama. Both he, and the flaming liberals who sip at his tankard of Koolaid, seem to feel we should follow the lead of rotting countries like England and Canada and dispose of the advances in medicine that occur when physicians and surgeons and such are allowed to practice their arts in a free market economy.Those Socialist types would prefer that everyone have access to free health care, even if the folks who run the el-cheapo clinics can’t speak but about ten words of English and nine of those are “You want buy pretty brass elliefant? Only twenty dollar.” Have we forgotten that it was the government who gave us Amtrak, the U.S. Post Office, The IRS, Cash for Clunkers, and thousands of other enterprises and programs that work about as well as teats on a bull?

There is much discussion over a “public option,” but lets just face facts here. The entirety of Obamacare is nothing but a giant public option. The quality of care will plummet, and rationing is a given. You best hope you only have Stage One cancer at the time of diagnosis, because by the time you get a second appointment you will either be pushing Stage Four or pushing up daisies. You will wait, and wait, and wait, and it’s very possible that you will end up paying more for the privilege.

There are really only two goals behind federally mandated health care programs. The first is control. The current crop of clowns feel that they should control your every move, monitor your every whim. They believe they should not only tell you how to handle your health concerns, but also be allowed to pry into the most intimate details of your life. What’s more, if you refuse to participate, you will either be fined or tossed in the pokey.

The second goal is the outright destruction of the companies that offer health insurance. There is no way a private insurance company can compete against government insurance. If they even try, they will be fined and regulated up the wazoo. Seriously, how can a private insurance company make a profit if they have to cover those with pre-existing conditions for a minimal sum? This is a little like saying car insurance companies have to provide you with low-cost insurance after you’ve smashed your Camaro into a bridge.

Thanks to the liberals in Congress, there is a very good chance that government-run health care will be a reality. Over fifty percent of Americans don’t want it, but that matters not a whit to the folks in Washington. They view themselves as an aristocracy, and besides, they won’t have to use the crappy programs that you’ll be forced to endure. Your health care, if the government programs become a reality, will be provided by organizations devoted to providing the least amount of care at the cheapest cost and making big bucks by getting chintzy on service, I’d just as soon give my cash to a joint boasting a sign reading “Bar, Grill and Mortuary.”

Sadly, for America, it looks like some version of Obamacare will be a reality. The wishes of the citizens don’t matter, for we have a man in the White House who was suckled on the milk of radical socialism.

My suggestion, is that you stock up on baking soda, merthiolate, Crest, and WD-40.

You’re gonna’ need them.

Ron Marr is the editor/publisher/& janitor of Troutwrapper.com, an on-line, weekly newspaper dedicated to hunting down and publicly tormenting the humor impaired

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