The First Church of Druidical Science

Surveys show pastors all across America are avoiding sermons on the topic of hell. There is something about burning forever in a lake of fire that modern church goers find a bit too negative on a sunny Sunday morning.

Why, it’s getting to where if you want authentic hellfire–and–damnation preaching you have to find an environmentalist where the message is always hell on earth.

Environmentalism offers everything but hope. Sermons here are constant, non–stop hectoring: humans using up natural resources, killing baby seals, creating sprawl, warming the planet, voting for Bush and leaving the toilet seat up.

This faith is the original tiny tent. Their ultimate goal is to return the planet — slightly used — to the critters and reduce the human population to the bare minimum necessary to turn the compost piles.

Not to pull a tyrant out of a hat, but this philosophy is remarkably close to Joe Stalin’s observation that where there is man, there are problems — but no man, no problem.

Hebrews 11:1 tells Christians, “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” But that’s not enough for greens. They must be able to deny the obvious.

Last week the Post a published graph that showed even the statistically–challenged that peak temperatures have been declining in the DC area since 1988.

This is an actual fact, not a computer model that predicts temperatures like Lehman Brothers predicted mortgages.

But combustion is the Original Sin of environmentalism, so Priestess Pelosi is still pushing for legislation to combat “global warming.”

In less than 40 years, since the first Earth Day, this faith has swept the nation, produced unshakeable dogma, penetrated the halls of Congress and identified heretics. But faith has also acquired all the problems found in today’s mainline churches, including getting the congregation to show up for worship.

Fewer and fewer families are actually going outside to enjoy the environment. Campgrounds are adding concierge services that put up your tent, cook your food and slap your mosquitoes in an effort to boost attendance. Some parks are even adding Internet connections and concerts, which starts to sound a lot like contemporary worship in mainline churches.

But what do environmental priests expect when they work diligently to make people feel unwelcome in the wilderness? Environmental lawyers recently celebrated when they banned road and trail construction in more than 50 million acres of national forest.

That’s what I call putting the altar out of reach. A first century Jew stood a better chance of sneaking a peek into the Holy of Holies inside the Temple in Jerusalem than a modern day suburbanite does of experiencing the forests their tax dollars support.

And speaking of Jerusalem, the environmentalists even have their own Pharisees like Al Gore and Thomas Friedman who enjoy a huge carbon footprint lifestyle and justify their hypocrisy by buying “carbon offsets.” This is a scam where wealthy first–world greens pay poverty–stricken third–world helots to squat in their mud huts postponing modern civilization. This allows Gore and Friedman to average their carbon consumption over a larger base.

Rich Catholics in the middle ages tried a similar dodge to avoid the penalties of sin. Historians call it buying an indulgence, but all it did was generate controversy and Lutherans.

Green fanatics recently tried to stop the construction of a road in Maryland because it might — they won’t know for sure until they consult a shaman — disturb an eagle’s nest.

This ignores the fact that although in 1963 there were only 417 nesting pairs of eagles in the entire lower 48 states — today there are over 1,000 in the Chesapeake Bay region alone.

Which tells me eagles don’t really have a problem with us; it’s the environmentalists who can’t stand living around people.

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Michael R. Shannon is a public relations and advertising consultant with corporate, government and political experience around the globe. He is a dynamic, entertaining and funny keynote speaker for corporate, non–profit and governmental organizations.

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