Obama’s Intrusive Vetting Questionnaire

Satire

President-elect Obama has spent the two weeks since the election pulling together the key players for his new administration. Several reports indicate that the vetting process for job applicants is very intrusive, bordering on criminal.
This reporter was invited to interview for an Assistant Satirist position reporting to the lead speech writer for the president himself. Herewith a sampling of the questions on the vetting form:
1. Have you ever used the “N” word, publicly or in private? Can you prove that?
2. Are you now, or have you ever been, affiliated in any capacity with any of the following terrorist groups:
( )Republican Party
( )KKK
( )Pat Robertson’s 700 Club
( )U.S. Supreme Court (as currently comprised)
( )Pentagon
3. If selected, do you agree to work diligently for the repeal of Amendment 2 to the Constitution? Do you further agree to turn in any and all weapons in your possession, or in the possession of family, friends, and casual acquaintances, to the ACLU before assuming your new position?
4. Do you really believe that a baby Jew, conceived by a virgin in small town in Israel 2008 years ago, was the Messiah who saved all of mankind from sin while bleeding to death on a cross? Is that belief negotiable?
5. How much time and money are you prepared to contribute to the re-election campaign of 2012? (Payroll deduction service is available for a nominal-processing fee.)
6. Do dislike Hillary Rodham Clinton? How intently? Why? Do you have pictures, videos, taped conversations, or collaborating witnesses willing to execute sworn affidavits, to substantiate your understandable loathing of HRC?
7. If hired, will you abandon Christmas in exchange for a month of paid holiday in November of each year for Ramadan, AND a week off in December to celebrate Kwanzaa?
8. You are fluent in which of the following languages. Check all that apply:
( )Ebonics
( )Spanish
( )Arabic
Note: Lack of fluency in all of the languages listed is NOT an automatic disqualification for the position: But it’s darn close, bro!
9. If asked, would you be willing to donate urgently needed body organs, before your death, to needy folks in poverty stricken areas of India, Haiti, Africa, South Chicago, Detroit, and Harlem, New York?
10. Do you agree that native Americans and African-Americans deserve reparations because of the suffering and discrimination they have endured? How much of your personal wealth are you willing to redistribute to the Reparations Redemption Fund?
After completing the Vetting Questionnaire in accordance with my true beliefs, I turned in the form and am still waiting for a call to go in for a follow-up interview.
I wonder if Team Obama has misplaced my contact information?

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What If Electoral College Elects Sarah Palin As President?

Satire.

What if Barack Obama is declared a non-citizen and ineligible to serve as U.S. President?
That is most improbable, right? Perhaps, but not impossible.
In fact, a challenge to Obama’s citizenship is scheduled to be the subject of a “conference” at the U.S. Supreme Court on December 5, 2008. A conference is a meeting of the Supreme Court Justices where cases are reviewed and the court decides which ones to accept for formal review. *
The formal election of Barack Obama by the Electoral College is scheduled for December 15, just ten days following the Supreme Court conference.
What if the U.S. Supreme Court accepts the case of Leo C. Donofrio against Nina Wells, the secretary of state in New Jersey, and rules that Barack Obama is not a natural-born citizen as he must be according to the U.S. Constitution in order to qualify for the presidency?
Would electors at the meeting of the Electoral College simply ignore Barack Obama and choose a president and vice president from among Joe Biden, John McCain, and Sarah Palin on December 15?
A majority of 270 votes would be required for each position.
In the interest of constitutional continuity, perhaps President Bush and Dick Cheney would agree to step aside early to allow Speaker Nancy Pelosi to take over the Oval Office.
Senator Robert Byrd would, by law, become Vice President, until the swearing in of the 111th Congress, when the 90-year old Byrd would yield to youth in the person of Senator Inouye, the 84 year old from Hawaii.
A most delicious irony would occur if the electors installed Governor Palin as President and Joe Biden as her VP, leaving John McCain out in the cold where he belongs!
A Palin administration so conceived would cause moon bats at Daily Kos and elsewhere to go ballistic, providing laughs and hilarity for months, if not years.
Palin-Biden? Has a nice ring to it,right?
* SOURCE

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Janet Napolitano for DHS?

Governor Napolitano looks for stranded illegal aliens as part of “Get out the Vote” effort for Obama
America is occupied by as many as 38 million illiterate peasants, AKA illegal aliens, and President-elect Obama has the gall to nominate Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano to head the Department of Homeland Security?
The same Napolitano who has done her level best to shield illegal aliens at the expense of American citizens?
The same Napolitano who believes that “Minute Man” refers to the sexual staying power of some border patrol agents?
Good grief, that woman, Janet Napolitano, is about as qualified to run Homeland Security as Vicente Fox or Felipe Calderon, Mexican presidents past and current, who believe that Mexico’s northern border ends somewhere in rural Minnesota!
This is “Change We NEED,” Mr. President-elect?
Not on your soggy taco!
America needs someone who believes that America is a sovereign nation rather than a poor suburb of Tijuana!
Someone who favors immediate deportation of anyone who speaks Spanish with a Mexican accent!
What next, sir?
How about a slot for William Jefferson, the Louisiana congressman who was indicted last year on bribery, racketeering and money laundering charges?
He is still a member of Congress, you know, although he faces a runoff in early December at about the time that his trial is about to start in Virginia.
Willie Jeff has the integrity, honesty, ethics, and personal charm needed to work in the Treasury Department.
Plus he is a brother, a huge plus in the administration so committed to CHANGE!
Then we have the rotund brother from New York, the gravel-voiced Charles Rangel who is in hot water with the IRS as a result of rampant racism.
You may have read that Rangel failed to report certain income, but racial discrimination is the real reason.
Why not make Rangel IRS Commissioner, which would enable the tax-evading rascal to root out honky bean counters and their green eyeshades, en masse?

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